20
College studies were demanding. I wanted to
find a part–time job.
Although my grades were top–notch and I
received a scholarship, my monthly allowance
was still a burden.
My teacher, knowing my plans, scolded me,
and sent me fifty dollars every month.
The letter specifically stated that it was a
loan.
The end of the letter added a rare playful line, “Don’t worry, your teacher’s wife knows, and she fully supports it!”
For some reason, my tears suddenly fell.
No matter how difficult my past life was, I had
screamed, hated, regretted, but never cried.
This life, of course, was the same.
L
But at this moment, my tears flowed like a
broken dam. I cried freely.
Even my roommates were startled and came
to comfort me.
After crying, I studied even harder.
Ethan’s letter came every month, along with
one hundred dollars.
In the last month of the semester, he said he
knew I wouldn’t go back.
But he asked me to wait for him, he would
come to see me for the New Year.
The letters stopped.
Later, I learned from my teacher that Ethan
had married Linda.
The teacher’s letter said:
“It caused quite a stir.”
“I heard he’d applied for a transfer to where
く
you are.‘
“But someone reported him for having
affairs.‘
“Because you’d already left, there were no
victims, so the matter was suppressed.
“That woman lost her job. He had no choice
but to marry her.”
Finally, the teacher said earnestly, “I feel
incredibly relieved for you.”
“You are lucky.”
I knew I was lucky in this life.
Lucky to be reborn before filling out my
college application.
Lucky to avoid the quagmire of my past life.
I received another letter from Ethan a year
later.
The first sentence was an apology.
Then he said the person who reported him
L
was Linda.
She knew he’d applied for a transfer.
Linda begged him to stay, but he refused.
So, Linda took a risk.
She won.
She married Ethan.
Ethan said he later realized what the dates on
my calendar meant.
He thought those were the dates I was
looking forward to marrying him.
I smiled and burned all the letters.
I sent all the money he sent to my teacher to
forward.
Two years later, before I graduated, I joined
the construction of the country’s 201 Project.
The rest of my life is dedicated to the nation,
no return date.
<
[Ethan (Epilogue)】
After hearing Sarah’s words at the hotel, I
was furious.
I locked myself in for three days.
I knew I’d made a mistake.
I was wrong in letting my heart wander while I
waited for Sarah to grow up.
While repeatedly helping Linda, my heart
seemed to drift.
Linda’s understanding, Lily’s cheerful
cuteness…
Made me forget I was already engaged, and I
did things I was ashamed of.
I thought for three days, and I knew I couldn’t
live without Sarah.
I went to the hotel, but it was too late.
She was gone.
She left me.
I asked many people, but no one knew where
she went.
Finally, I learned from her teacher that she
had gone to the Northwest.
My world crumbled.
I remembered the silver bracelet that
shouldn’t have been in her bag.
I immediately rushed home.
But my family said she had already broken off
the engagement.
I returned to the house where we had lived for
three years, heartbroken.
That night, I drank too much.
Linda slipped in.
Later, she saw my transfer application and
created a scene.
She lost her job.
Her family came to make a fuss, and I had no
choice but to marry her.
But my friends gradually distanced
themselves from me.
I wrote to Sarah, but she never replied.
<
As if she disappeared from my world once
she left.
After marrying Linda, she kept a tight watch
on me, often making a fuss.
My parents also disliked her, always
comparing her to Sarah.
Linda changed, becoming hysterical.
Neurotic.
Several times, I could have been transferred,
but she always messed it up.
Each time, she said I wanted to get rid of her.
Leave her, and I could go find my former
fiancée.
Every time, I could only sigh in my heart.
Sarah probably wouldn’t even want to see me
now.
Later, my son repeatedly urged me to divorce.
(“Truly” later,) I watched my friends get.
promoted, while I remained stagnant.
Slowly, she started saying I was useless.
Г
She wanted another child but couldn’t
conceive.
We only had Lily.
Lily grew up and got married, but she didn’t
marry well.
Her husband was abusive, unfaithful, and a gambler.
Linda cried every day because of her
daughter.
But when Lily wanted a divorce, she
adamantly refused.
Every time they fought, she would take her
anger out on me, saying I was incompetent,
and she regretted marrying me.
Lily also resented me, saying it was my fault
for not having a high enough position to
support her.
I was speechless.
Later, Lily couldn’t get a divorce, ran away,
was caught, and beaten by her husband.
<
I was old, and couldn’t help her.
Then Lily killed herself.
Leaving behind a six–year–old child.
I didn’t expect that in my old age, we’d lose
our daughter and have to raise a six–year–old
child.
Looking at Lily’s child, I recalled that year.
It seemed there was a young figure by my
side, full of love for me.
I often wondered, if I hadn’t gotten involved
with Linda.
If I had married Sarah, would the outcome be
different?
But when did I lose her?
I couldn’t remember.
Looking back on my life.
It was utterly meaningless.
